System re-boot

There comes a time for all of us, even to us relatively healthy, keen yoga types, when it all goes a bit pear shaped. Without any decent warning, we get ill. Our preventative methods fail us and we find ourselves unable to do anything other than surrender to it. At least that is the way I see it. I'm lucky in that I rarely get sick and if I feel something creeping up on me, I am usually able to do some stuff that quickly diverts it and prevents it from getting a grip on my system. I like that about my relationship with my body, I feel we know one another fairly well.

However, this week it's a different story. I failed in my ability to divert the course of this cold bug and it has me in it's grips. Admittedly, it really is not completely disabling me, I don't feel terribly ill with it all but it is enough to stop me from teaching as it's affecting my voice and my ability to speak. That is never good for a yoga teacher, or any kind of teacher and a whole host of other professions I'd imagine, I am hardly alone here, I appreciate that!

There is always this slight stigma attached to being sick, as a yoga teacher though, or so I feel. I can't say I judge others in the profession harshly when they fall ill, because we are all human, of course we are, but it has been said to me on more than one occasion...how is it that I am ill when I do yoga...isn't it supposed to keep you healthy? Yeah Yeah. And more to the point, yes it is and yes it does. I have no doubt in my mind that if I did not have a regular yoga practice, this thing would have me in a much tighter grip, more like a vice, probably in bed for days, not the one day that I succumbed to, knowing that to surrender my Sunday would be worth it in the healing process. When our physical body displays signs that we are sick, I believe it's important that we listen and respond. There are so many pressures for the majority of us these days, to carry on, be strong, be some sort of Superwoman....or Superman of course! I used feel I had to be that person, that I'd appear weak if I took a day off or I'd upset someone if I let them down by calling in sick. I'm still human so I can't say I never feel those pressures, and of course those close to me know that I'm also lucky enough not to have to keep up for other reasons, but these days I know that to surrender to the inevitable is not a bad thing. It's more about honouring our body and our mind, respecting the need for rest and healing. We tend to get ill when we have an element of stress in our lives, whether we realise it at the time or not, and I believe, the antidote is to de-stress, let it out, re-boot the system and then get back to it, whatever It is.

I've been de-stressing and re-booting for a few days now and quite frankly I'm getting bored. I want to be well, I want to be able to speak without coughing, I want my real voice back. So, after a bit of talking with myself and asking my friends for some tips, I'm stepping up the natural remedies in the hope that I can kick this in the next day or so and be fighting fit for my next class.

I AM going to do it.

Why so restless?

It's becoming a bit of a habit; long gaps between blog entries. Yes, I have been busy, but not that busy. Life was full and eventful in Hong Kong and I found time to blog at least once a week, often a couple of times each week. So what's that all about? I've been giving it some thought and it appears to run much deeper than the availability of time. Of course it does.

I started this blog so that I could write about the transition from one lifestyle in one country, to another lifestyle in another country. Namely the transition from Hong Kong back to Canada. As can be seen from the number of blogs and more to the point, the content of the blog so far, this transition has been somewhat slow. I didn't exactly arrive back in Canada and make any great leaps and bounds forward or indeed in any direction. I'm OK with that, or rather I have been OK with that, but now, now that things have started to move in a definite direction and I am teaching again, I find myself somewhat restless and wanting things to continue to shift and grow. On the one hand I actually need time to get back into the flow of teaching yoga and to re-find my teaching style and to keep up on the study required to achieve that and to keep my teaching fresh and interesting, both to me and my students. So yes, this can take some time...reading and practicing and it is amazing to me how much of the day it can fill if you allow it to. That is all as it should be and I have no complaints. Things are going well.

So then, why so restless?

I have some thoughts, some ideas about what else I want to take on, but they are all new to me and require me to grow and explore parts of me I have not explored before. Sounds great in theory, at least I think so, but in reality, my reality, it's all rather daunting too. I am finding it hard to get started. To know where to start. Being so organised by nature, I find it hard to believe that I am struggling to find a plan of action, but I am and that is the reason I think for my restlessness. I have energy within me that wants to be utilised, I am just struggling to find a pathway, a clear direction for it to take.

I know I have friends who believe I have a perfect life...so much free time, hardly any commitments, a lot of freedom. It is indeed, a wonderful life. I do have a lot of freedom (at the moment) but that in itself can be extremely daunting. If you have never experienced it before, you may not believe me, but all I can tell you is that with so many choices and possible ways forward, it can become confusing and difficult to decide which route to take. I am finding that in order to make progress, I need to work within some constraints. To choose a direction and simply focus on that. I thought I used to be good at multi-tasking but it seems things have changed. It's a bit like successful meditation. Choose a point of focus, and stick with it.  In order to succeed, I think I actually need a little less freedom and maybe even a deadline or two. Never thought I'd say that.

So...the transition continues. There is nothing to see right now, but things are simmering below the surface and hopefully before too long I will have a breakthrough!

Transition in play

Wow. Almost 2 months since I blogged. I've thought about it...I've had things to say, I'm just not sure I knew how to say them, or indeed was ready to share any of it with the world at large. I'll never know if it was actually the Nia training that kickstarted me back to life but I suspect it was. It's too co-incidental for it not to be. I have only posted once since that inspiring week in the midst of the summer. It was hot beyond belief that week and today it feels like autumn. Well, it IS autumn. The weather is cool, the trees are turning and how beautiful they are beginning to look. Another few weeks and they will be peaking...I cannot wait. I love this time of year. It is both a time to reflect and a time to change pace. It would be more natural to slow our pace from summer to autumn but with children returning to school (I know this from the hoards of school buses I am now getting caught up behind on the roads at peak times) and people re-engaging with their normal schedules after the summer, it appears to be the other way around. And as for me, well...finally I find myself with a schedule to keep to as well! It's not exactly full time by any account but I have started teaching yoga again, after a break of just over 2 years! Where did that time go? Oh yes...I was travelling around Asia for most of it...or preparing to...I remember it well. And whilst I didn't do any teaching in that time...yoga was never far from my mind. It was a different kind of practice, a much more "living your yoga" kind of practice with some asana thrown in from time to time, but it's all yoga, that much I do know.


So, I'm back on a weekly teaching schedule and in addition I've also subbed 5 other classes this week, just 3 weeks in to the transition! That is actually a personal record! So, yes, the pace has definitely picked up. It's felt both overwhelming and exhilarating. Quite a mix. But overall if feels great to get back on my teaching mat. I find I learn so much from every class I teach and it inspires me to keep learning, to keep "fresh" as one of my first yoga teachers used to call it. Funny enough, this quote has popped up a few times today and it is one that resonates strongly with me at the moment.

“If you want to learn something, read about it. If you want to understand something, write about it. If you want to master something, teach it.” ~ Yogi Bhajan


I feel like my Nia practice has had to take a temporary back seat while I re-engage with yoga and teaching even though it is something that is totally complimentary to yoga. But then, the last few weeks have been special, very special, as my Mum has been to visit. For the first time. That's a big deal. And it was so wonderful to have her close and to spend time with her, not forgetting those who brought her to me of course...it was great to see them too; my eldest brother and his wife. While they were all here I pretty much dropped everything to give them my full attention, after all, it was a rare thing and everything else could wait a while. 


Now though, with all my family safely back in England...it's just us again. Life goes on and I feel so much more inspired to bring more life into my everyday life! Home feels like home again, my injured finger is healing well, I've spent precious time with my Mum and now it's time to get moving. My direction is getting clearer and I like how it's evolving. It's still a bit hazy out there but I'm finding that simply by taking a few steps in a direction that feels right other things have opened up and presented themselves to me and I know that if I keep it up, and keep taking those baby steps....I'll get there. Life is a journey after all....

One step at a time...

Recapitulating

It's now just over 2 weeks since I completed my Nia White Belt intensive training here in Ottawa but the memories are still very much at the forefront of my mind.

It was a truly unique week out of my life. Potentially life changing and definitely life shifting. I went on Day 1 with high hopes to have my spirits lifted after basement floods and personal injuries had been weighing me down for weeks prior, and totally came away high on Nia and with a renewed zest for life! This was truly a case of something showing up in my life exactly when I needed it.

I've never spent so much time dancing and moving in such energetic ways...so consistently. It was tiring at times for sure but also surprisingly energising. My body surprised me on several occasions in the way it somehow found energy reserves which I didn't know existed! My usually reluctant morning body seemed to spring to life at 8.30am as we began each day with a fabulous and inspiring Nia class with Martha Randall.  With the exception of my poorly (healing) finger, my body didn't fuss at all...during or after an hour of early morning movement. That's not normal for me, at that time in the morning, there are usually achey joints to be found and it felt so liberating to discover that such an energetic movement form could be mine before breakfast! 

After all that sudden activity and mind/body stimulation, I found I really needed to just let it all settle in the week which followed. After the intense "high" which lasted about 48 hrs after graduating, I appeared to "crash" and was so, so tired! It was a perfect time to take a little road trip and accompany Alan to Toronto...a change a scenery felt good. Funny...I did try to attend a Nia class in Toronto one morning, it felt like a great opportunity to do so, but for reasons I shall likely never know, after successfully navigating downtown Toronto and finding the venue listed on the website...nobody else showed up! Perhaps the class was cancelled for the summer months, I have no idea but either way, it seems I was not meant to dance that week. I was upset at the time, it felt a like a wasted opportunity but I had to smile, acknowledge that my research could clearly have been better and instead feel grateful that there was at least a Starbucks within sight, so I settled for a seat and coffee before retracing my steps back to the hotel.

That was over a week ago now and upon returning home I've revived my home practice and dug out my Opal DVD a couple of times and it was great having a deeper understanding and connection with the moves and to recapitulate some of the feelings and moments shared on the training. Moments of learning, connectedness, community and good old fashioned Joy! It was such a fun training...so many laughs, and some tears, but release and shifting on an intensive like that is only natural..it's the body's way...

So what is next? Well...it is now my intention to teach Nia one day. I have a long way to go first though. Still a huge amount to learn. This is just the beginning; the tip of the iceberg, but I intend to give it my best shot and see where that takes me. I certainly never imagined that I'd end up learning how to choreograph dance classes! It just shows what can be possible if you allow your heart to rule your head just once in a while!

Maybe by the new year I'll be ready to at least test out my new found knowledge....I'll keep you posted!

It's Time to Dance

Today is rather an emotional day...in that I am experiencing a wide range of emotions! I feel excited. I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I even feel a little bit dizzy but I am linking that to all the deep breathing I am doing to deal with the other stuff!

Tomorrow is Day 1 of 7. Day 1 of my Nia White Belt Training.

I think in total I have taken 13 Nia classes now.  Some in Hong Kong, some here in Canada. It's not many in the scheme of things but I feel OK about that because I have enjoyed each and every class I've taken. I want to delve deeper and get to the heart of this vibrant practice that for me, feels like Dancing My Yoga.  Right now it's for personal development but who knows where that may lead. One step at a time.

I'm more nervous than I should be, or normally would be in a situation like this and it all relates to my last blog post and the events recounted there. The finger is healing. Slowly. On the plus side it looks much better. I can indeed look at it now. I can feel compassion for it rather than horror and fear. I think that's important. However, looks can be deceiving of course and it is hard to tell how this story is going to end. I'm doing my best to write the ending I want: It will heal perfectly and a new nail will grow. Lets assume that. In the meantime, the Finger is so utterly full of sensations, most of the time. It feels quite bizarre. Moving around and any contact needs to be done with full awareness. At first I panicked a bit at this realisation....how would I cope? How will I be able to dance? How will I write my notes? What if there is partner work?

Of course I spent some time here...worrying...and eventually I smiled...maybe even laughed out loud. This is just perfect. It's like I have an extra tool to help me with awareness as I learn about the joy of movement and other Nia principles, over the next 7 days. Of course I'd prefer to be without this particular "tool", but what I need to do is accept it and let it become part of my experience rather than hinder my experience. Work with it and allow it to help me learn more about my body and my limitations, even my thought processes. I've learned a lot already in the last 3 weeks without a classroom and a schedule, so surely by adding these things, I can only learn more.

Once I worked that bit out, I headed out to get my toenails painted a beautiful purple colour and I'm now officially ready to dance :-)

Learning Curves & Changing Patterns

What a roller-coaster week of emotions that was! I'm glad I managed to resist posting an entry earlier in the week when things were feeling very raw indeed! Now though, I have come through the dark tunnel and can see some daylight again!

Last weekend was not a good one. A flooded basement and a trip to Emergency Care all within 24 hours of one another. The basement flood was the result of a pretty violent storm on Friday night and as irony would have it, when it happened we were out for a relaxing massage to help soothe away our troubles and tensions...the effects of that particular massage had to be the shortest lived in my experience!

As for the hospital run, that was due to an incident involving our new super duper cheese knife, my lovely husband, some cheese and my right index finger. The result was extremely painful, very bloody and a cut not only to my finger and nail but to my nail bed too. The rest of the details really do not need to be shared but I have been pretty lame around the house this week. I continue to be amazed at how losing the use of just one finger can be potentially so limiting. I've been very lucky to have Alan around this week, that is for sure.

On the other hand though (no pun intended) I am trying to see it as a new learning curve rather than a limitation. I happen to be very right handed. I've discovered that I barely use my left hand alone because my right hand is so much better at everything! I soon realised that if I wanted to be able to do anything for myself this week that I would have to adapt my way of thinking..and doing. Change some patterns and expectations. Be open to doing things differently, more slowly and with care and much greater awareness. As it turns out, this was easier than I thought it might be, once I removed my own expectations of how things should be.

I do believe that things happen for a reason, as hard as that is to believe sometimes. It is always very easy to let yourself feel like the victim in a situation like this but that is never going to get us anywhere other than a state of self pity. And I've been there a few times this week when the pain was at it's peak. It didn't feel good. I think it actually made the pain worse. The mind is powerful and has such influence over our bodies. I'm sure that on the days I have been able to stay happy and positive, I have been less aware of my injury - both the pain and the inconvenience.

During some mindfulness practice this week while I was at one of my lowest points, I managed to catch myself...catch my (self-pitying) thoughts mid flow and I remembered a book I read last year... a wonderful, inspiring book called "Waking" by Matthew Sanford. I first encountered Matthew at the San Francisco Yoga Conference in 2009 where he was giving the Keynote Speech. His speech left me wanting more, so I had to buy the book. It took me a while, as usual, to get around to reading it but once I did start, I simply could not put it down. It's the story of his recovery from a near fatal accident in which one of his parents and a sibling died.  It is one of those books that has stayed with me ever since and it was at this low point that the memory of it helped me breathe a little deeper and get things into perspective.  My situation was unpleasant and painful both emotionally and physically but it was far from serious, in the scheme of things. Remembering parts of the book made me feel very humbled, and very grateful for life in general. It is so easy to get thrown off course by an unwelcome event in life but our ability to bounce back and get things into perspective and to be grateful for all the good stuff, is what it's all about.

Adapting to changing circumstances seems to be a familiar theme in my life lately but of course I'm not the only one. We all have our dramas, but when the only constant in life is change, how we respond to change is critical to our wellbeing and our state of mind.

I highly recommend you read Matthew's book.....

http://www.matthewsanford.com/

Back to yoga class!

It's almost exactly 5 months to the day since we arrived back in Canada. It's also the summer Solstice. Midsummer's Day. The longest day in the northern hemisphere. I'm not sure that is relevant to my post, maybe on some deeper level...

Personally though, it was a fairly momentous day for me. Today I attended an actual yoga class in a downtown yoga studio. Something people do every day of course, but I haven't done this in over 8 months and more to the point, since landing back on canadian soil, I haven't felt much like it. Instead, I've been practicing yoga in the comfort and privacy of my own home. I got kind of comfortable with that arrangement too. Complete permission to do as I pleased, to truly listen to my body and it's needs on a daily basis and respond appropriately. It's great to have the space to do this again, and to be in a peaceful environment, a place conducive to yoga practice and while it's been great to nurture my own self and my practice at home in this way, in recent weeks I have started to check out the online yoga class schedules...noticing what appeals to me.  I've become rather fussy of course, being able to practice what my body needs at the appropriate time of day on almost any given day. Public classes have to operate to schedule and they don't know or care, that my body simply would not appreciate Power Yoga or any other vigorous class, at 9.30am and that my best time for yoga is the afternoon.  I could go on, but in short, I have come to know my body very well and I know what it likes and needs at different times of the day and it can be challenging finding the right class at the right time, in the right place, with the right teacher, despite the relatively vast array of yoga studios in Ottawa! Today though I was drawn to a Kripalu Yoga class with a teacher new to me, and it uniquely started at 3.30pm... my perfect time for yoga! 


I have a soft spot for Kripalu and their own blend of yoga practice. It always feels so nurturing, so allowing and so personal. Whatever you can do, is the perfect pose. There is no judgement, we are encouraged instead to notice and respect our body's needs. This is true generally of course, I don't wish to get into trouble with the yoga police, I'm just saying that Kripalu Yoga really works for me. 


I was actually nervous at the thought of going to a class. Sounds silly for a yoga teacher, even a "resting" one but according to a recent Yoga Journal blog I was reading a few weeks ago, I'm not the only one who has felt like this before!  So I went to class.  It felt wonderful. I needn't have worried, of course. The class was small, just 7 people, the energy felt welcoming, the teacher was friendly and smiley, with a gentle energy. Just what I needed today and I'm not sure I could have given that class to myself today, to have anticipated my own needs quite so well as the teacher did. It was 2 hours long but felt much shorter. It was luxurious to not have any distractions. To be led...all I had to do was listen; to the teacher and my body. Anything that popped into my head reminding me it needing doing, definitely had to wait, I was out...I was busy. This was my time and nobody could disturb me here. It was actually a bit of a revelation. Obvious when you say it out loud, but by going to class, you truly commit yourself to practicing for the allocated time, no excuses, no interruptions. That really is a gift that I've missed. It is all too easy at home to succomb to distractions on those days when your attention is not quite there.  Today the greatest challenge about yoga class, was getting there and not mentally, but physically! There is construction everywhere at the moment and new condo buildings popping up where all the public parking lots used to be. Oh to live downtown....or close enough to bike to yoga! 


Despite the parking dilemma, I will return. It felt good. Really good and I cannot believe how free my shoulders feel tonight.....thank you Kripalu Yoga!

The Great Unknown

What is it about the Unknown that is so frightening, for so many of us? One of my standard responses to the question "Why?" in my 20s and 30s was "because... I need to know". I needed to be prepared. All the time. Thankfully, I seem to need to know less these days. Probably because I've discovered that you simply cannot know all the answers in life all of the time. And even if you (think) you do, then those things have a habit of changing anyway, so really, what is the point in having to know in advance? The conclusion I came to a while back is that those who don't need to know, do better. The secret is to master the art of simply being open to what comes about. Maybe even allowing yourself a little vulnerability. Vulnerable was always something I didn't want to be but lately it has found a new personal meaning, a less fear-filled meaning. For me, vulnerable now means to allow the emotions in. To feel. Rather than to shut things (or people) out just because we are afraid to deal with them. To embrace things is to open to them, and in so doing, we often discover that what initially felt overwhelming and unbearable is actually not such a big deal after all.  In fact, in our vulnerability we often discover our hidden strengths and depths.


Moving forward into the Unknown still challenges me though and how I view my current situation seems to change on a daily basis. That is probably because situations close to home appear to change on an almost daily basis too. Even just the thought of more change can cause ripples which can cause my little proverbial boat to rock. I seem to be forever torn between trying to "settle" and restructure my life here and remaining ever flexible and adaptable, almost poised and ready to jump up and deal with the next big shift in life. Maybe too much moving around makes you behave like that...the more you move, the more you expect to move, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary. I always did have an active imagination.


I'm listening to a great audio book at the moment by the poet, David Whyte. I'm not really a poetry fan, but I confess to having a bit of thing for David and his work. I love to listen to him, so audio is the way to go for me. I love to listen to him while in a restorative or yin yoga pose and to allow his words to wash over me. Oh the luxury of it all! I'm just over half way through now and today it was as if he was speaking to me. Just me. After all, I'm the only person who has ever felt confused about my next step in life, right? According to David, not so....what a comforting thought that is.


He spoke many words that resonated for me but one of the things that definitely hit home was the bit about how when we are searching for our life's purpose and working towards doing the thing(s) that our heart desires, so many people simply can't do it because it feels too overwhelming. The unknown is too big a gamble to take. What if we fail? What if we fail at being our true selves? What then? Who will we be? It's big stuff and I hear him. Instead, we do the stuff we know we can do, the stuff we know we can't really fail at or the stuff that is the same stuff that we have always done. The stuff on our daily To Do list. That way we don't draw attention to ourselves and we don't have to stand up and announce to the world that we are doing something Different, and whilst that something different might be a more honest expression of who we really are, it's not how the world sees us, or knows us and as such exposes us to possible ridicule and criticism which can add to the fear of the unknown...it can be a vicious circle.


So, right now I'm not able to sum this one up. I'd love to do so by saying "I Embrace The Great Unknown...I have no fear!" But that's not true. I am however working on it and given where life has taken me over the last 5 years, I am definitely making progress.




If you have experienced changing directions in life and have any words of wisdom to share, please do!

New Growth

It wasn't until the end of May that we noticed some new growth on our beloved Spruce, and our beautiful but slow growing Gingko Biloba finally sprouted leaves. Spring is late in Ottawa and I like to think, even if it's just for this year, that my slow and leisurely pace in moving forward is echoing nature. 


If this is true then the way I've been feeling over the last few days confirms this. The weather has been changeable but mainly springlike and at times, outright summery, and I have been feeling like I need to start moving again. Doing something. Growing. To be clear, I have been doing lots of things these past months but nothing concerning my own development. Some would simply call it a job but to me that word is no longer empowering. Since I gave up the office job and moved into more holistic areas, it's all about personal growth, self confidence and new ways of being. I want to return to teaching yoga when I feel ready, which judging by recent feelings and thoughts, is not so far off now. But there's more. It has felt like I have been waiting for something to emerge...like the new growth on a tree, fresh green leaves full of new life and energy. 


One of the things I discovered along the way last year, was Nia. In truth I have only taken about 10 classes to this day given travel schedules, jet lag and a simple lack of classes, but I fell in love with it during my very first class in Hong Kong back in November 2010. My teacher was inspiring, clearly very passionate about Nia and it's potential for enriching lives and who knows, had that not been the case, maybe I'd have been less impressed. I certainly don't underestimate the power of enthusiasm in a teacher, any teacher. However, I believe there was more to it than that. You see, not many people know this, but since I was little, I wanted to be a dancer. Not that you'd ever know it, even if you knew me then or now. I did ballet for a few years but was never keen on performing in front of others, and my memory suggests this is partly why I never pursued that or any other form of dance. I was oh-so-shy. In my early teens I remember watching Pans People and other such dancers on TV, truly enthralled by their energy and grace. It was never something I was going to seriously consider for me. Me? A dancer? Made no sense at all. I wasn't even good at it and I'm sure my family had no inkling of my wistful day dreams. Then in my later teens it was the disco era and I loved to dance to pop music...but who didn't? I was no different to anyone else but it made me feel good. As an adult I tried ballroom dancing, salsa, merengue....various stuff with and without dancing partners and I enjoyed them all. I still wasn't very good at them, but I have always seemed to smile more when I dance, even when learning and I'm not the most co-ordinated mover!


Nia is different. With my limited exposure so far, I am not going to attempt to tell you exactly what it is here in this post but I can tell you what is to me, right now. It is a way of connecting with my body and mind through movement and dance. It's dance with a yogic slant. It's dance with freedom of expression. It's dance and mindfulness together. My body has some issues, it's not perfect and it's certainly not as young as it used to be so when I dance, I need to be mindful and to take care of it...really be conscious of my movement and Nia allows this and even encourages it. For all these reasons it resonates strongly with my own personal beliefs on yoga and my teaching style. I have found my yogic dance!


A few days ago I enrolled on a Nia white belt intensive training, here in Ottawa, in July. A week long course running Saturday to Friday from around 7am til 6pm daily. Right now with my current schedule (freedom), that feels rather intense and more than a little daunting but I think I need it. I can't imagine this can be anything other than a wonderful, liberating, inspiring week of energetic learning and I'm counting down the days!

Nesting

There is currently nesting going on all around me...well, all around our house. This robin has made a nest in our front porch and now has 4 baby robins...wouldn't want to be any of the other 3 that are somewhere in that nest - it looks a little crowded for my liking!

We also have some House Martins nesting in a box which we have in the back garden. They are so beautiful to watch as they swoop in and out, so fast too.

So, I think I might be nesting. Maybe it's something to do with the time of year, it obviously is the nesting season, or has been for the last month or so, which fits perfectly with how I've been feeling lately although admittedly my nesting instinct has been in place since we returned from Hong Kong, so maybe there is something else going on.

It's easing a bit now I'm pleased to say and I'm feeling a bit more social and more interested in "getting out there" and exploring and re-engaging with people, and with life.

The last few months have been somewhat challenging though as I haven't really felt like doing much other than being at home and getting my house in order. Quite literally. We had some basement work done which dragged on longer than expected, in fact was still on-going in April when our expectation for completion was the end of February, so there was stuff everywhere. All the "stuff" that had been in the basement was living temporarily in our family room/kitchen as that was thankfully empty because we took the contents with us to HK.  Once the basement was finished, we suddenly had new, empty rooms which should have helped the process but at times only confused the issue for me, and there were so many decisions to make. Or so I thought. I was completely wrapped up in the process of finding homes for things and getting things in their (new) right place. Ordinarily I'm pretty organised so this was no big shock to me but as I look back now, it was a bit extreme. So why?

We are still in the decorating process as my Mission to Get The House Sorted continues, so of course there will be pockets of managed chaos about the place but now I do feel a little bit more relaxed about it all.  Like Mrs Robin looks a bit more relaxed now that her babies are growing and I suspect, soon to fly the nest. She has vacated the nest now and seems to reside under a bush a few feet away from them but she visits with food regularly while the little ones jostle for space as they fast outgrow their home.

I think it's all been part of the process, this nesting thing. Moving to HK and back in the space of 15 months, uprooting a good chunk of our things and lives and then travelling most months to other countries was at least to me, a rather bizarre way of living. Wonderful for a short time, but bizarre. A bit surreal. It's no wonder that an earthy Capricorn would feel the need to ground herself and re-root upon arrival back in her familiar Nest. To not want to travel or even go out more than she needed to...but to just be still. I knew this was what I wanted to do but I gave myself a bit of a hard time for it...telling myself I should be doing more...or at least doing something "constructive or productive"...and perhaps this is partly where the manic nesting manifested! It certainly was the only place I really wanted to invest my energy, or what energy I had!

We had a little taster of Spring not so long ago though and I feel like exploring again...and I have ...nothing terribly adventurous of course, but that's OK. The fact that I want to and I have is a start. Every morning I check to see if the chicks have flown....maybe when they do, I will feel able to spread my own wings a little too.....

Transition

It's a bit of a shame that it's taken me this long to get to a place where I'm ready to start this blog because there has been so much transition already. Some of it good, some of it perfectly natural and some of it plain messy and upsetting. I'm sure I'll remember the Big things but there have also been some subtle changes to Me which are less obvious on the surface and have only come to light over a period of time. These are the things I don't want to miss. If we are lucky we learn from all our experiences. If we can learn without being judgemental about what occurred or about our reaction to change, we take a step closer to knowing ourselves and making just a little bit more sense out of this crazy life.


It is almost 4 months to the day that we left Hong Kong to return to Canada. I guess that feels about right but to be honest, most days it feels like a distant dream. Did that really happen? Was that really me living that life? Yes it really was and I'm grateful that I lived it the way I did. A year in a country like Hong Kong can pass you by fast, really fast, if you're not careful. There were days when I wished it away a little and dreamed of being Home where everything was "normal". That feels very ironic now because I'm of the opinion that there is no normal. Just different ways of living and being. The longer we have been living a life, the more normal it may feel, but that does not make it normal by anyone elses standards.


My life right here, right now, doesn't feel very normal either and yet on the surface, I could be described as living a very normal life. House, car, husband...of course I'm missing a few "essential" ingredients, like children and pets and right now, a job...but all that aside, I'm perfectly "normal".


What am I getting at? Well....like I said in my profile, this blog is an adventure for me. An exploration. I feel a bit braver having already done this before. I'm writing this for Me, not for you, the reader. I'm anticipating results on some level. A personal level. First though, I need to do some work. Some excavation, some digging. Hopefully I'll find treasure but whatever I find, I'm pretty sure it will help guide me forward, in whichever direction that may be.