Back to yoga class!

It's almost exactly 5 months to the day since we arrived back in Canada. It's also the summer Solstice. Midsummer's Day. The longest day in the northern hemisphere. I'm not sure that is relevant to my post, maybe on some deeper level...

Personally though, it was a fairly momentous day for me. Today I attended an actual yoga class in a downtown yoga studio. Something people do every day of course, but I haven't done this in over 8 months and more to the point, since landing back on canadian soil, I haven't felt much like it. Instead, I've been practicing yoga in the comfort and privacy of my own home. I got kind of comfortable with that arrangement too. Complete permission to do as I pleased, to truly listen to my body and it's needs on a daily basis and respond appropriately. It's great to have the space to do this again, and to be in a peaceful environment, a place conducive to yoga practice and while it's been great to nurture my own self and my practice at home in this way, in recent weeks I have started to check out the online yoga class schedules...noticing what appeals to me.  I've become rather fussy of course, being able to practice what my body needs at the appropriate time of day on almost any given day. Public classes have to operate to schedule and they don't know or care, that my body simply would not appreciate Power Yoga or any other vigorous class, at 9.30am and that my best time for yoga is the afternoon.  I could go on, but in short, I have come to know my body very well and I know what it likes and needs at different times of the day and it can be challenging finding the right class at the right time, in the right place, with the right teacher, despite the relatively vast array of yoga studios in Ottawa! Today though I was drawn to a Kripalu Yoga class with a teacher new to me, and it uniquely started at 3.30pm... my perfect time for yoga! 


I have a soft spot for Kripalu and their own blend of yoga practice. It always feels so nurturing, so allowing and so personal. Whatever you can do, is the perfect pose. There is no judgement, we are encouraged instead to notice and respect our body's needs. This is true generally of course, I don't wish to get into trouble with the yoga police, I'm just saying that Kripalu Yoga really works for me. 


I was actually nervous at the thought of going to a class. Sounds silly for a yoga teacher, even a "resting" one but according to a recent Yoga Journal blog I was reading a few weeks ago, I'm not the only one who has felt like this before!  So I went to class.  It felt wonderful. I needn't have worried, of course. The class was small, just 7 people, the energy felt welcoming, the teacher was friendly and smiley, with a gentle energy. Just what I needed today and I'm not sure I could have given that class to myself today, to have anticipated my own needs quite so well as the teacher did. It was 2 hours long but felt much shorter. It was luxurious to not have any distractions. To be led...all I had to do was listen; to the teacher and my body. Anything that popped into my head reminding me it needing doing, definitely had to wait, I was out...I was busy. This was my time and nobody could disturb me here. It was actually a bit of a revelation. Obvious when you say it out loud, but by going to class, you truly commit yourself to practicing for the allocated time, no excuses, no interruptions. That really is a gift that I've missed. It is all too easy at home to succomb to distractions on those days when your attention is not quite there.  Today the greatest challenge about yoga class, was getting there and not mentally, but physically! There is construction everywhere at the moment and new condo buildings popping up where all the public parking lots used to be. Oh to live downtown....or close enough to bike to yoga! 


Despite the parking dilemma, I will return. It felt good. Really good and I cannot believe how free my shoulders feel tonight.....thank you Kripalu Yoga!

The Great Unknown

What is it about the Unknown that is so frightening, for so many of us? One of my standard responses to the question "Why?" in my 20s and 30s was "because... I need to know". I needed to be prepared. All the time. Thankfully, I seem to need to know less these days. Probably because I've discovered that you simply cannot know all the answers in life all of the time. And even if you (think) you do, then those things have a habit of changing anyway, so really, what is the point in having to know in advance? The conclusion I came to a while back is that those who don't need to know, do better. The secret is to master the art of simply being open to what comes about. Maybe even allowing yourself a little vulnerability. Vulnerable was always something I didn't want to be but lately it has found a new personal meaning, a less fear-filled meaning. For me, vulnerable now means to allow the emotions in. To feel. Rather than to shut things (or people) out just because we are afraid to deal with them. To embrace things is to open to them, and in so doing, we often discover that what initially felt overwhelming and unbearable is actually not such a big deal after all.  In fact, in our vulnerability we often discover our hidden strengths and depths.


Moving forward into the Unknown still challenges me though and how I view my current situation seems to change on a daily basis. That is probably because situations close to home appear to change on an almost daily basis too. Even just the thought of more change can cause ripples which can cause my little proverbial boat to rock. I seem to be forever torn between trying to "settle" and restructure my life here and remaining ever flexible and adaptable, almost poised and ready to jump up and deal with the next big shift in life. Maybe too much moving around makes you behave like that...the more you move, the more you expect to move, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary. I always did have an active imagination.


I'm listening to a great audio book at the moment by the poet, David Whyte. I'm not really a poetry fan, but I confess to having a bit of thing for David and his work. I love to listen to him, so audio is the way to go for me. I love to listen to him while in a restorative or yin yoga pose and to allow his words to wash over me. Oh the luxury of it all! I'm just over half way through now and today it was as if he was speaking to me. Just me. After all, I'm the only person who has ever felt confused about my next step in life, right? According to David, not so....what a comforting thought that is.


He spoke many words that resonated for me but one of the things that definitely hit home was the bit about how when we are searching for our life's purpose and working towards doing the thing(s) that our heart desires, so many people simply can't do it because it feels too overwhelming. The unknown is too big a gamble to take. What if we fail? What if we fail at being our true selves? What then? Who will we be? It's big stuff and I hear him. Instead, we do the stuff we know we can do, the stuff we know we can't really fail at or the stuff that is the same stuff that we have always done. The stuff on our daily To Do list. That way we don't draw attention to ourselves and we don't have to stand up and announce to the world that we are doing something Different, and whilst that something different might be a more honest expression of who we really are, it's not how the world sees us, or knows us and as such exposes us to possible ridicule and criticism which can add to the fear of the unknown...it can be a vicious circle.


So, right now I'm not able to sum this one up. I'd love to do so by saying "I Embrace The Great Unknown...I have no fear!" But that's not true. I am however working on it and given where life has taken me over the last 5 years, I am definitely making progress.




If you have experienced changing directions in life and have any words of wisdom to share, please do!

New Growth

It wasn't until the end of May that we noticed some new growth on our beloved Spruce, and our beautiful but slow growing Gingko Biloba finally sprouted leaves. Spring is late in Ottawa and I like to think, even if it's just for this year, that my slow and leisurely pace in moving forward is echoing nature. 


If this is true then the way I've been feeling over the last few days confirms this. The weather has been changeable but mainly springlike and at times, outright summery, and I have been feeling like I need to start moving again. Doing something. Growing. To be clear, I have been doing lots of things these past months but nothing concerning my own development. Some would simply call it a job but to me that word is no longer empowering. Since I gave up the office job and moved into more holistic areas, it's all about personal growth, self confidence and new ways of being. I want to return to teaching yoga when I feel ready, which judging by recent feelings and thoughts, is not so far off now. But there's more. It has felt like I have been waiting for something to emerge...like the new growth on a tree, fresh green leaves full of new life and energy. 


One of the things I discovered along the way last year, was Nia. In truth I have only taken about 10 classes to this day given travel schedules, jet lag and a simple lack of classes, but I fell in love with it during my very first class in Hong Kong back in November 2010. My teacher was inspiring, clearly very passionate about Nia and it's potential for enriching lives and who knows, had that not been the case, maybe I'd have been less impressed. I certainly don't underestimate the power of enthusiasm in a teacher, any teacher. However, I believe there was more to it than that. You see, not many people know this, but since I was little, I wanted to be a dancer. Not that you'd ever know it, even if you knew me then or now. I did ballet for a few years but was never keen on performing in front of others, and my memory suggests this is partly why I never pursued that or any other form of dance. I was oh-so-shy. In my early teens I remember watching Pans People and other such dancers on TV, truly enthralled by their energy and grace. It was never something I was going to seriously consider for me. Me? A dancer? Made no sense at all. I wasn't even good at it and I'm sure my family had no inkling of my wistful day dreams. Then in my later teens it was the disco era and I loved to dance to pop music...but who didn't? I was no different to anyone else but it made me feel good. As an adult I tried ballroom dancing, salsa, merengue....various stuff with and without dancing partners and I enjoyed them all. I still wasn't very good at them, but I have always seemed to smile more when I dance, even when learning and I'm not the most co-ordinated mover!


Nia is different. With my limited exposure so far, I am not going to attempt to tell you exactly what it is here in this post but I can tell you what is to me, right now. It is a way of connecting with my body and mind through movement and dance. It's dance with a yogic slant. It's dance with freedom of expression. It's dance and mindfulness together. My body has some issues, it's not perfect and it's certainly not as young as it used to be so when I dance, I need to be mindful and to take care of it...really be conscious of my movement and Nia allows this and even encourages it. For all these reasons it resonates strongly with my own personal beliefs on yoga and my teaching style. I have found my yogic dance!


A few days ago I enrolled on a Nia white belt intensive training, here in Ottawa, in July. A week long course running Saturday to Friday from around 7am til 6pm daily. Right now with my current schedule (freedom), that feels rather intense and more than a little daunting but I think I need it. I can't imagine this can be anything other than a wonderful, liberating, inspiring week of energetic learning and I'm counting down the days!